I love dreams…the ones you have when you sleep.
Brielle’s dreams fascinate me. She says she dreams in sign language. Well, she says she signs in her dreams but other people can speak. Kinda like life.
Dreams are like entertainment while you sleep. Some of them are epic adventures. Others are completely ridiculous.
I have some incredible dreams, nearly every night.The recurring dreams can be a little spooky.
One is where I am driving, but somehow I feel drunk or drugged or I can’t hit the brakes hard enough to control my vehicle. Clearly a reflection of my control issues. Yes, I’m a routine gal and it sometimes becomes my frenemy.
I have the classic recurring dream about being late to class and not knowing what or where the class is and I can’t remember my locker combination.
I used to have dreams about Brielle falling down stairs. Very scary ones. But, it’s been a while since I’ve had one of those. Whew.
There’s one dream that sticks out in my mind.
I had it when Brielle was very young and we were just coming to terms with her cerebral palsy diagnosis. I actually wrote about it of my book in Chapter 29: The Road Not Traveled.
So, here’s the story of that dream from an excerpt in that chapter:
The Child Who Never Was
Sometimes I miss the baby I never met, the one who was never affected by a virus we knew nothing about. We will never know who Brielle might have been if CMV had not attacked her little body while she grew inside of me. However, I cannot help but wonder about that unlived life once in a while.
“What if…?” I catch myself thinking. Sometimes, I surprise myself that I even allow this thought to rattle around in my mind. When I do, I can only contemplate it for a few fleeting moments. I rarely allow those thoughts to tumble out of my head and on to my lips. I simply do not speak of it, at least not to most people. It is too terribly painful.
There are times when I cannot control my wandering mind. I have had a few dreams in my life about Brielle, not as she is, but as she could have been. I cannot control my dreams when I sleep. They intrude on my silent “What ifs?” with painful force.
When Brielle was a small child, I had a dream one night that she was in her crib. She was calling out to me, “Mommy, Mommy! Come here!” As I reached out to her beyond the edge of the crib rails, my small child pulled me into the crib with her.
Forget for the moment that there was no way I would fit in the crib let alone would have been able to climb over the tall rails with such ease. This was a dream. Weird things happen in dreams.
As my dream continued, I was laying on my side looking into her soft, brown eyes and stroking her silky hair. Brielle wrapped one of her arms around my neck and said, “I love you, Mommy.”
My bubble burst when I woke up. I felt overwhelmed with joy hearing her voice and that particular phrase. However, my heart ached knowing that dream would never come to life. I would never hear Brielle’s voice utter those words or any others.
The girl she could have been is like phantom pain from an amputation. That girl is not quite there, but sometimes feels as real as the memory of a dream that could have been.
That dream was so real and shook me to the core. I still daydream about that dream coming true, although I know it’s hopeless. That was my best dream ever.*
I had some exciting news about my book late last week. The draft copy finally arrived after being delayed by the Atlanta area snow storm. It was so exciting to see and touch! It’s a real book!
After meeting with my publishing consultant on Tuesday, it looks like my book will be available for purchase in about two weeks! I can’t express the joy and excitement I have hoping that my book about our experiences with Brielle might help other families.
Now that’s a new little dream to dream…..!
*This has been an edition of Friday’s Finish the Sentence (#FFTS). The writing prompt this week was: “My best dream ever was…”
If you’re visiting from one of these awesome LinkUps, please let me know! I’d love to read your post and share some comment love!
What was YOUR best dream ever?